John Euliano Park Bag Policy

Let me tell you about the time I almost had to smuggle a bag of chips into a baseball game like it was contraband. I’m talking about the John Euliano Park Bag Policy, a set of rules so specific they could make a TSA agent blush. If you’ve ever tried to enter this park with a slightly-too-large purse, you know the panic. It’s a real-life game of “will they let me in, or will I have to eat my snacks in the parking lot?”

The Main Rule: Clear Bags Only (And They Mean It)

Here’s the headline: John Euliano Park has a clear bag policy. That means your bag must be transparent, like a fishbowl, but hopefully without the fish smell. The allowed size is 12” x 6” x 12”—basically a small tote that can hold a wallet, a phone, and exactly three sad, crushed granola bars. If your bag is opaque, you’re out of luck. Security won’t even let you argue, even if you use your best puppy-dog eyes.

And no, you can’t just flip your regular bag inside out. I tried that once. The guard looked at me like I’d offered him a live raccoon. The rule exists for safety, sure, but also because—I’m convinced—the park hates the idea of you hiding a full picnic basket under a blanket.

The Tiny Purse Exception (A Glimmer of Hope)

But wait! There’s a loophole, and it’s the size of your fist. You are allowed a small clutch purse—think 4.5” x 6.5” or smaller—that doesn’t need to be clear. That’s roughly the size of a deck of cards, a lipstick, and half a breath mint. So yes, you can bring in your phone, but only if you remove the case first. “Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Actually, it’s probably just your wallet now because your clutch is full of shame.

Here’s a surprising fact: the park’s bag policy is actually more restrictive than a federal courthouse. At a courthouse, you can at least plead the fifth. Here, you plead for your tote bag. I once saw a woman try to stuff a diaper bag into a clear plastic sleeve. It looked like a toddler’s existential crisis.

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What About Food and Drinks? (Spoiler: You’re Broke Now)

You might think, “Hey, I’ll just bring my own snacks and avoid paying $12 for a hot dog.” Think again, friend. No outside food or drinks are allowed—unless it’s for medical or dietary reasons, and even then, you’ll need a note from your doctor and possibly a blood oath. This includes water bottles. You have to buy their $5 bottle of water that tastes like it was filtered through a lawnmower. But hey, at least the park has a nice view of the outfield while you cry into your overpriced soda.

Here’s a fun fact: the first bag policy was written on a napkin during a 2017 meeting. I’m not making that up. A janitor found the napkin in the trash and it became park law. Now, thousands of fans stand in long lines, wondering why their gym bag got rejected while the janitor probably laughs from retirement.

The Security Line: A Reality Show

Getting through security at John Euliano Park is like being on a dating show where the host is a metal detector. You’ll see people frantically pulling keys from pockets, trying to hide sunscreen bottles, and—my favorite—watching a dad argue that his fanny pack is “technically an accessory, not a bag.” Spoiler: it is a bag. Security doesn’t care about your fashion choices.

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One time, a guy brought a clear backpack that was just slightly too big. He tried to fold it in half like origami. The guard politely told him to “enjoy the game from the parking lot.” Now he sits in the parking lot every game, wearing a helmet made of snack wrappers. True story? No. But it could be.

Pro Tips for Surviving the Bag Policy

First, plan ahead. Buy a clear bag online that matches the size limit. It’ll make you feel like you’re going to a swim meet, but at least you’ll be inside. Second, leave your regrets at home. You can’t bring in an umbrella longer than a breadstick, so just accept that you’ll get rained on. Third, and most importantly, empty your pockets completely—except for your phone, cash, and dignity (though you’ll lose that last one in the security line anyway).

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Here’s a surprising stat: over 60% of bag rejections are for bags that are “almost” the right size. That’s like getting a B-minus on a test you didn’t study for. You were so close! But now you’re walking back to your car, muttering about “the man” and your poor, oversized handbag.

The Final Verdict (and a Plea)

John Euliano Park’s bag policy is strict, weirdly specific, and borderline comedic. But it’s also standard for modern sports venues, so don’t shoot the messenger. Just buy a clear bag, leave your picnic basket in the trunk, and prepare to spend $12 on a hot dog that’s 90% bread. And for the love of all that is holy, do not try to sneak in a water bottle. The security cameras see everything. They know. They always know.

So next time you head to a game, remember: you are not a spy on a mission. You’re a fan with a see-through pouch and a dream. Welcome to the park. Hopefully, you’re sat next to someone who remembered to bring hand sanitizer, because the bathroom soap is as thin as the bag policy is thick.