Just Like Heaven Fest Bag Policy

Alright, grab a cold brew and pull up a chair. I need to talk to you about the single most stressful part of any festival: the bag policy. Specifically, the Just Like Heaven bag policy. It’s a document that reads like a ransom note from a very anxious, very tiny elf who is terrified of your sunscreen.

Let’s be real. You are not a spy. You are not smuggling in a live badger. You just want to carry a bottle of water and a spare pair of socks because you sweat like a mall Santa in July. But the policy has other plans for you.

First, the good news: you can bring in a tiny bag. But I mean tiny. We’re talking clown-car tiny. The official rule is that your bag must be no larger than 12” x 6” x 12”. That’s the size of a loaf of bread. A small loaf. A bread roll for a mouse.

If you bring a purse bigger than a slice of pizza, security will look at you with the same pity you’d give a toddler holding a dead goldfish. Sad, but expected. They will point you toward the fabled “Bag Drop” area, which costs money and makes you feel like a sucker who didn’t read the signs.

Now, here’s a surprising fact: you can actually bring a camelbak (an empty hydration pack) or a fanny pack. Yes, the fanny pack—the glorious, dad-approved, neon-nostalgia beast—is fully allowed. It’s 2024, and hiding snacks on your waist is suddenly high fashion. Embrace it.

The Great Wallet Debate: Clear or Die

The policy demands that all bags larger than a fanny pack must be clear plastic. This is not a suggestion. This is a rule that makes you look like you’re going to a middle school science fair. You’ll be standing in line next to a woman carrying a Ziploc bag of lip gloss and a half-eaten granola bar. Classy.

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You can buy a clear bag online for three bucks. Or you can show up with a mesh tote bag that looks like you stole it from a laundry room. Either way, everyone will see your emergency tampon and your phone charger. Privacy is dead. Festivals won.

Let me give you a pro tip from a veteran of this specific war: bring a clear backpack. Yes, you look like you’re about to board a Greyhound bus in 2003, but you’ll have room for a light jacket. A real life-saver when the sun goes down and you’re shivering while some indie band plays a 20-minute synth jam.

What Not to Bring Unless You Hate Fun

You cannot bring a selfie stick. Apparently, the festival organizers believe that a stick with a phone on it is a weapon of mass irritation. I get it. You can’t bring a flag or a tent either. But here’s the kicker: you cannot bring a hula hoop or a glow stick larger than your hand. What, are they afraid you’re going to build a robot out of glow sticks and overthrow the stage?

You also cannot bring any outside alcohol. This is not surprising, but it’s worth repeating because some genius will try to sneak in a flask shaped like a deodorant stick. The security guard has seen that trick. They’ve seen everything. They’ve seen a guy try to smuggle in a full bottle of mezcal in his boot. Don’t be that guy.

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Also, no umbrellas. If it rains, you will get wet. Just like heaven? More like just like a public swimming pool.

The Silver Lining (Yes, There Is One)

Here’s the upside. Because the bag policy is so strict, the lines to get in move super fast. Like, embarrassingly fast. You’ll spend more time deciding which coffee to buy in the parking lot than you will waiting to get through security. That’s a win. You can thank the tiny bag police for your efficient entry.

And honestly, a small bag forces you to pack smarter. You don’t need a full makeup case. You don’t need a book. You need your phone, some cash for a $12 beer, and a portable charger. That’s it. Minimalist festival energy. You will feel like a cool, unburdened mountain goat bouncing from stage to stage.

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One more surprise: you can bring a reusable water bottle, as long as it’s empty. So you can fill it at the free water stations. Drink up, you dehydrated little hummingbird.

Final Hot Take: Dress Like a Spy

Pockets, people. Pockets are your new best friend. Wear cargo shorts. Wear a vest with 47 zippers. Wear a fishing jacket. Hide your keys. Hide your chapstick. Become a walking storage unit.

If you show up with a fanny pack AND cargo pants, you are legally allowed to smuggle in two bags of gummy worms under the Geneva Convention. I made that up, but it feels true. Do it.

So there you have it. The Just Like Heaven bag policy is a tiny, clear, plastic-filled horror show. But you can survive it. Be smart, pack light, and for the love of all that is synth-pop, do not bring a tent. See you in the crowd, you glorious, small-bagged freak.