A Million Ways To Die In The West Review

Seth MacFarlane once made a billion dollars with a talking teddy bear. So naturally, he followed that up with a Western comedy where he plays a sheep farmer who gets dumped, shot at, and almost killed by a rattlesnake. A Million Ways to Die in the West is exactly what happens when you give a Family Guy writer a cowboy hat, a budget, and zero interest in subtlety.

The year is 1882. Arizona is a sunburned nightmare where diarrhea can kill you and a simple trip to the outhouse might end in a gunfight.

Albert (MacFarlane) is a loser with a heart of wet cardboard. His girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried) dumps him for the mustache guy who owns the town's only mustache shop. That mustache guy is played by Neil Patrick Harris, and he is gloriously punchable.

The Plot: A Coward, A Gunslinger, And A Lot Of Stupid Ways To Die

Albert wants to win Louise back. Instead, he meets Anna (Charlize Theron), a mysterious woman who teaches him how to shoot.

Anna is married to Clinch (Liam Neeson), an outlaw who kills people the way other folks swat flies. So Albert's romantic problem becomes a survival problem, which is basically the movie's whole joke.

The film's title isn't lying. People die from snake bites, exploding sheep, a giant block of ice, and a doctor who treats a gunshot wound with a literal pile of horse manure.

It's like a Final Destination movie, but with spurs and syphilis jokes. You will laugh, and then you will feel a little gross about laughing.

Fun fact: the real Old West wasn't this deadly. Gunfights were rare. Dysentery, however, was not.

What Works: Theron, Neeson, And The Weird Little Gags

Charlize Theron is way too good for this movie, and that's exactly why she's perfect. She sells every ridiculous line with a smirk that says, "I'm having fun, and you can't stop me."

Liam Neeson, meanwhile, growls like a bear who just found out someone ate his porridge. He doesn't need to be funny, because his face is already a threat.

Blu-Ray Breakdown: 'A Million Ways to Die in the West' is a 'Pass'

The supporting cast is a circus of weirdos. Sarah Silverman plays a prostitute who is saving herself for her boyfriend (Giovanni Ribisi). That boyfriend is a virgin who works at a brothel.

Their subplot is either the dumbest thing you've ever seen or a masterpiece of idiocy. Honestly, it might be both.

There are also cameos that will make you spit out your drink. Jamie Foxx shows up as Django. Christopher Lloyd appears as Doc Brown.

Yes, that Back to the Future Doc Brown. It makes zero sense, and that's the point.

What Doesn't Work: The Length, The Grossness, And The Whining

The movie runs 116 minutes. That's about 20 minutes too long for a comedy that relies on jokes about explosive diarrhea.

MacFarlane's Albert is supposed to be a lovable coward, but he mostly comes off as a guy who complains about everything. By the third act, you might want to slap him yourself.

Some jokes land like a perfectly thrown lasso. Others land like a cow falling on your head. The humor swings from clever meta-commentary to a five-minute sequence about a man getting pooped on.

Movie Review: ‘A Million Ways To Die In The West’

If you love Family Guy, you'll probably giggle. If you don't, you'll check your watch a lot.

Also, the movie wants to have it both ways. It makes fun of Western tropes while also being a Western. It spoofs racism, sexism, and violence, but then uses those same things for cheap laughs.

That's not a crime, but it does make the whole thing feel like a beautiful mess.

Should You Watch It? Probably, If You're In The Right Mood

A Million Ways to Die in the West is not a great movie. It's not even a good movie. But it is a funny movie for about 45 minutes, and a "what am I watching?" movie for the rest.

It's the cinematic equivalent of a gas station hot dog: weird, cheap, and somehow satisfying at 1 a.m.

If you want a smart, sharp Western comedy, watch Blazing Saddles or The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. If you want to see Charlize Theron out-act everyone while Liam Neeson threatens to murder a sheep farmer, give this one a shot. Just keep your expectations lower than a rattlesnake's belly.

Final verdict: 2.5 out of 5 stars. It's a million ways to die, and at least a hundred ways to laugh. The other 900 ways are just kinda there.